P-F16: Secret Santa! (Week 17 NFL Bonus)

This Santa has a secret

It's the collision of Pick'em Bonus with the time-honored tradition of giving half assed gifts, and of course the subsequent awkward reception of said gifts. Maybe it'll be a new tradition.

Just to get it out of the way, the following people got coal:
Gig'em (AP), 16 National Championships (CG), Crigga88 (CR), Tannesaurus Rex (CT), Pimp Possee (JB), The Velvet Neutral Ground (JC), Talks to Animals (JD), Lost Cause (JH), General Wartz (JM), Shake and Baker (JN), Creekside Body Count (KH), Geaux JJ (KZ), One man Wolfpack (MF), Dirt Burglars (DT). +0

So sad!

Speaking of sad, A Northmen (ANo) get the first gift. Sad Fans! You ever hear a sad songs and feel an emotional connection with a similar feeling of heartache, disappointment, loneliness, grief, or depression? Seeing a sad fan has the exact opposite effect. Seeing someone super sad about their favorite sports team is guaranteed to make you feel better 100% of the time. +4

Speaking of heartache of disappointment, I Look Good On Top (BF) gets a new GM for the Texans! Heck, how about we make BF the next GM for the Texans. Couldn't do any worse. +3

Speaking of doing worse, Beelzebubbles (CCo) gets they lose all their games and let me win! I'm going to interpret "they" here as everyone above CCo in the standings. She is 14 points from the leader in the standings, so this could happen y'all. This could be a sweet gift. Who is in!? +3

Nom nom nom

Speaking of sweet gifts, InnocentBystander (BJ) gets Vermont Pure Maple Syrup! Maple syrup is the perfect compliment to oatmeal, spaghetti, and also great if your New Year's resolution includes a master cleanse. +4

Speaking of perfect, Cactie (DCo), Phlying Hellfish (AD), and Slay All Day (CK) all get perfect pick'em cards! I can't wait to see those get filed in Week 18. We've never had multiple perfect cards in the same contest in the same week. +3

Speaking of winners, Bevo XV (DW) gets some scratch off lottery tickets. These are the ultimate no-labor gift that will allow DW to fantasize momentarily about finally getting that stadium suite in DKR. +4

Speaking of wieners, Swamp Dogs (DR) gets a Johnson(?)! I'm just going to interpret this gift as DR getting Velvet Neutral Ground and not a johnson but I'm not sure one gift is objectively better than the other. +3

I just graduated from college!

Speaking of nutty, Left Hand Scissors (GN) gets the fruitcake, because of course there was a fruitcake. Fun fact, fruitcakes really do last a long time. The internet tells me 25 years when stored properly. +3

Speaking of longshots, One Little, Two Little, Three Little Donkeys (KS) gets the gift of a parlay with the last four games on the card -- HOU -2.5, BAL +6, KC -3, DET +6.5. They will all be nationally televised and unopposed in their respective time slots. 4 teamers get 10-1 odds, so a simple wager of $100 bucks would lead to a very merry Christmas. That was a great gift, but the Texans pooped on it in the first game. +5

Speaking of lightning in a bottle, Huntwick Hosers (KW) get a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle! Hopefully KW shares. I'll share the fruitcake. +4

Speaking of drinking, Siemian's Stallions (MM) gets a model car! I don't have any other details, but it sounds cool. Treasure that. +3

Speaking of treasures, BlitzKrieg (RK) gets an empty jewelry box (regifted from an ex)! I suggest maybe repurposing it or paying it forward and regifting it next year.

Speaking of outside the box, Accidentchild (MN) gets How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two but it’s kind of cramped. Oh, you got jokes. +3

You want to pick me up?

Speaking of strong jokes, Alexandria Cyclones (SS) gets Charlie Strong's Buyout! That is exactly what USF got Texas for Christmas too. +4

Speaking of strong hangovers, Big Papa's Picks (AM) gets a bottle of Vitamin B Complex! Nothing is a miracle cure, but I'll be damned if these things haven't made some strong nights less punishing the next day. B vitamins even play on my Anything Mock Draught team. +5

And speaking of the last present, Butt Pickers (ANe) gets the last gift, which is a quarterback! Apparently these are important. The hopefully you'll share this one with the Texans. The Cowboys already have too many. +3