P-F24: Fifth Biennial Commish A.M.A. (Week 6 NCAA Bonus)

Welcome to the fifth biennial Pick’em Dash Football Commish Ask Me Anything! Check out where we’ve been:

• P-F16: Inaugural Commish A.M.A.: Highlights include how I pick the games each week, introduced a picture of Beelzebubble's cousin that may as well be our mascot, and many questions on how this game came to be.
• P-F18: Second Biennial Commish A.M.A.: Lt Greg "Hipshot" Norris laid out his favorite beer, tailgate food, and when Texas will be back. Can anyone even remember when Texas wasn't back??
• P-F20: Third Biennial Commish A.M.A.: Probably after 3, it can be called a tradition. This one also had some hard-hitting ketchup and mustard talk. But remember you guys -- this was our COVID year. 
• P-F22: Fourth Biennial Commish A.M.A.: Lots to say in this one. Hard hitting food, drink, concert, and sports commentary. Our mascot's picture makes another appearance.

You’ve asked me anything four times before, and now let’s see if there is anything left in the tank for the fifth.

A Northmen (AN): I have no questions; you are an open book...ohhh what's for dinner?
commish note: also asked what's for dinner in 2020 when grocery shopping probably literally killed the hungry 

Commish: I’ll cook anything asked. Literally ask me anything.

#TEXAS4Life (BR): Age?

Commish: I don’t feel a day older than 49. In fact, I feel SEVERAL days younger even.

Raygun’s backup dancers (KS): Who is your favorite child?

Commish: Easy, it’s the newest model. You all know it is always the newest one. What's your favorite car, tv, or wife?

Gig'em (AP): You're very technologically savvy, does Oliver already know as much as you...or more?

Commish: Speaking of Oliver, he doesn’t know Excel, so I have both a macro and microsoft skill lead.

Cuernos Largos (CT): Are you a real person?

Commish: I was hoping someone would ask me my thoughts on our universe. To a two dimensional being, he knows nothing of the third dimension. For all his peeps living in his plane on what he knows as the observable universe, they never knew that the creation of their world was the intersection of a three-dimensional object onto their two-dimensional plane. That object, which happens to be a sphere in their universe, started as an observable dot on the two-dimensional world and then became a growing circle to our dude and his peep’s eyes. However now they are worried about impending doom, and it is because they can’t see the sphere passing through their plane. All they see is their universe is getting smaller -- their world is slowly shrinking! They wonder what happens when their world shrinks again to a single point and then disappears. Will they still exist? How did they get here in the first place? A one dimensional guy could give his perspective, and a three-dimensional guy could explain in more detail, but the universe is also dimension-ists, and there is no way the two dimensional peeps listen to an uni or an alien. And this is the same for us in the third-dimension with our dimensional neighbors. Get it?

Katy Tigers (RH): Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?

Commish: What luck again. I was hoping someone would ask me my thoughts on the transportation system. It’s a plot by Big Brother. Auto makers are in the pocket of Big Transportation to sell more cars and build more roads and then have a built-in excuse when you are stuck in traffic because of all the cars and driving. They put “park” right in the name. When we are tubing down the sidewalks, you’ll know there is no u-turning from our fate. Get it?

18 National Championships (CG): Will we keep Bregman and will we pass on signing Tucker to a long-term deal given he is 6-46 in the postseason and is straight trash?

Commish: The Astros won’t keep Bregman. That’s the layup in your question. When it comes to Tucker, I hope he can’t hear you because he is listening to some Juicy by Biggie... just getting ready to prove you wrong for doubting him. Don’t let it get you down, King Tuck! Even if multiple teachers try to discourage you. It’s all good baby baby!!

Bevo XV (DW): Better Longhorn pregame: Old School Mack Brown era or current Del Conte?

Commish: Only one correct answer exists for your question. Also, related, this:

Beeritos (KW): Why is it that those Longhorns have all those sucky football years after A&M left the Big 12? And now, the football team is a powerhouse, what’s up with that?

Commish: The Longhorns spend every waking hour thinking about A&M, especially after our beloved little sibling chose to take their deeply in-the-red program to the SEC for a 100-year (financial) decision and (many, many) future national championships. Texas, who finally managed to demote Mack to golf course casita manager after his cavalier national championship antics in the aughts, sought a plan to catfish the Pac-12 before finally telling all the top recruits at Texas that they can once again have access to a playbook and the good locker room. It was our dream to believe we are twice the team as our maroon buddies but travel there and crumble under the confusion of swaying crowds and a lot of mad farmers. The plan almost went south, but we were lucky to have been noticed and gifted the SEC invite, which everyone in Arkansas knows is a guaranteed lifetime pass out of obscurity. If you Aggies think it sucks this year, can you even imagine sucking for a bunch of years in a row? Woof.

Shot Callers (RD): How is Covid still affecting college football?

Commish: The players are fine. Every game is still simply a super-spreader event for alumni.

Chimp's Picks (CP): What year do you think my cousin the Apes take over the world?

Commish: On track for 2045, contingent on the effect of climate change on bananas and/or any more dock workers strikes.

Swamp Dogs (DR): RE: the periodic table. Are we discovering new elements or just creating new ones? It seems fishy.

Commish: These woke scientists are just coming up with new names for the same old elements.

Wookie Cookies (KH): Why didn’t DJ Quick become a household name?

Commish: I wouldn’t know for sure, but I imagine he must have been in a big name on the West Coast. While regarded as a legend, I imagine what kept him from true household name status was Dr Dre and Death Row Records. Quik’s first two albums were on small labels. Both were good, with Quik Is the Name being a classic. He signed with Death Row and produced many Dre, Snoop, 2Pac, and other albums. Since Kendrick made diss tracks cool again in 2024, check out “Dollaz + Sense” about MC Eiht. Bonus play: Check out Vince Staples’ nod to DJ Quik and “Dollaz + Sense” from 2022 (“DJ QUIK”).

The Costco Guys (MK): What’s your strategy against the immortal snail?

Commish: If I had to look up an internet, then I’m too late to the game for any innovation. And if google search labs AI can be trusted, the immortal snail is a thought experiment and TikTok trend. The snail granted immortality that stalks it victims for eternity, unless it comes into contact with them, in which case it will kill them instantly. Apparently, the person in the experiment becomes immortal too may also get $1M. I’m not particularly fearful of stuff, but I do overanalyze decisions. I don’t think I’d mind staying on the run from a snail. I’m also guessing that the internet has some answer to just using salt or finding an island, but the game says the snail is immortal. Immortal means never dying. So the snail can’t die, but I can die even though I’m immortal too? Better question. What does this experiment look like in the fourth dimension? Also, $1M doesn’t really get you much in 2024.

Here are some layups chip shot field goals...

Accidentchild (MN): Who will make the Super Bowl?

Commish: I want the Cowboys to make the Super Bowl. Isn’t their drought close to 30 years? America needs this from their team. Put money on it.

Bite a Kneecap Offs (RK): Corn or flour tortillas?

Commish: Easy. Corn for tacos and fajitas. Flour for dipping in queso.

(Pure Random)^2 (CN): Heads or tails?

Commish: Tails never fails. Ever fails.

Dual Quarterback Offense (ON): Why did you start the pick'em league?

Commish: The first official year for this pick’em game was 2000. We had 7 participants. Wookie Cookies (KH), then named Second to Nut, won the NCAA contest picking 51.5% against the spread. A Northmen (AN), then #1 Stunners, won the NFL contest picking 66.8% straight up. However before that, the local news station in Austin ran a similar game for college games and I noticed how it made Saturdays more fun. I used my spreadsheet skillz to make my own game, which turned into this. You'll find more history notes in the Inaugural Commish A.M.A

Beelzebubbles (CC): What happened to Jess? Did ya'll have a fight? Physical or just words? Do we hate him now?

Commish: Anyone who knows Jess -- some people here may know him as Lost Cause (JH) -- knows he has the worst luck. He needs this game as much as we need his $25 donation. We always have that sweet photo to remember your cuz by though. Our mascot: